i'm bacccckkkk

hey everyone!! so many people have been asking for a new blog post, so here i am. i haven't been just absent here, i feel like I'm absent everywhere. absent mom, absent sister, absent wife, absent, friend, absent daughter. i just can't be who i want to be anymore. life is hard and fast. i can't keep up.

so let me go back to the day the twins were born and give a brief overview. i had dreaded the mag so much and i never even got sick from it! a little flushed and dizzy but nothing really!

i went back for the surgery and really felt calm and peaceful. the spinal tap was nothing. getting cut open was nothing. hearing ellis cry (and eventually vance too) was absolutely amazing. i was so heartbroken not to have my friend jennifer back there taking professional photos but was SO SO grateful for my nurse barb, that stayed after she had worked all night and clocked out, to take iPhone pics. my other amazing nurse, rachel, also took photos for me. heres a couple that i really treasure:

since most everyone has heard the story by now, i will be brief. i got into recovery after the surgery and was the sickest i have ever been in my life. it was like being blacked out drunk for 12 hours. all i wanted to do was be cold, every time i opened my eyes the whole room was spinning and i threw up. i didn't even get to lay eyes on my boys until 12 hours later. but it was like a switch went off and i suddenly felt better and good enough to go meet my towheads.

c sections are not a joke. it has been a slow recovery for sure. and damn, it hurts! still! 3 weeks later! luckily not bad enough to still need pain pills though. but i went home a few days later. i thought i wanted to go. i got home and bawled, i mean BAWLED, my eyes out. i begged for cal to take me back. i told him it was home and i missed my friends there. he was so so sweet and patient with me. but the bottom line is, UT hospital became my home and i loved everyone there so much. my whole routine was wrecked when i got "home." its taken a couple weeks to adjust to but i do still miss my life there, i miss my nurses, i miss the nugget ice…. but i do not miss the food haha. it felt really weird to finally feel like a patient and then get sent home with my babies still there. just when i felt like i actually needed to be there, i got kicked out. a lot of weird emotions that i didn't expect.

the twins were quickly off oxygen and bill lights..they are just down having to an ng feeding tube now. i am so so proud of how far they have come so quickly. God has been good. very very good.

everyone always asks me when they're coming home and the truth is, i have no idea. the doctors tell me 2 weeks, but it all depends on when the twins begin taking all of their bottles for every feeding. right now they are only offered a bottle every other feeding, the usually take about half of their bottles (vance takes less than half) once they start taking all their bottles, they will offer them at every feeding. everyone tells me a switch flips in their brains at 36 weeks (they are 35 weeks tomorrow) so i am hoping and praying they will be home for thanksgiving. i also don't want to rush them, i want them to be as healthy as they can be before they come home. 

life has been very hard. i wake up and take simms downstairs to my mom (we are living with my mom now while we build a house) and she feeds him breakfast while i go get ready. i pump, shower, get ready, and then have to pump again before i leave for the hospital. we get up at 8-9ish and i don't get to the hospital until lunch time. i try and grab lunch quickly on the way up and usually pump 1-2 more times while i am there. then i rush home to try to get to see simms for a little bit before his big afternoon nap. then we have dinner, give simms a bath, and put him to bed… all of course while pumping every 2-3 hours. then i set my alarms to get up all night long… to pump. let me just get this off my chest real quick…… i fucking hate pumping. BUT its so crucial for those babies and its one of the few things i can do for them right now. i've pumped about 7+ gallons these past three weeks. the nicu even assigned me my own chest freezer, which i have now filled. we are going to have to look into buying a, hopefully cheap, chest freezer. because i am running out of options and my mom has the smallest fridge/freezer ever created. heres my nicu chest freezer:

everyone keeps asking if i am worried about the twins coming home. of course i am. but in a lot of ways, things will be easier. it will be so nice to not be going back and forth to the hospital everyday. it takes up over half of my day doing it. i am still struggling with not seeing simms very much. no matter who i am with, i feel like i am not giving love to the other. if i am with simms i feel bad for the twins, if i am holding ellis, i feel bad for vance. if i am holding vance, i feel bad for ellis. i hate the feeling of not be able to give myself 100% to everyone. it kills me. 

so thats why i haven't been here..blogging. i miss being able to have the time to post. but like many things, its fallen by the wayside. hopefully i can start establishing more of a routine and finding time to update everyone. thank you all for all the continued prayers! 

p.s. i don't have time to proofread this….