Welcome to the world, Ellis and Vance!

10/22/14  - DELIVERY DAY

Hey y'all! Cal here. Stepping in for a worn out and resting Hannah tonight. Today has been an absolutely incredible day and Hannah wouldn't let the blog go untyped, so bear with me as I try, probably unsuccessfully, to be as entertaining as Hannah is. It's going to be long, so strap in.

Let's start with last night. I had the fortunate experience of spending my first night in the world class UT Medical Center, a 5-star accommodation with all of the amenities you could ask for. It ain't the Ritz folks, but these people up here are truly remarkable and I don't know how they get up and do this job day/night in and out but they do and I'm absolutely humbled at their sweet nature and kind hearts. 

And let's talk about Barb. I had met Barb several times, but I got to spend a lot more time with Barb last night and I don't know if there could have been a better person to care for Hannah and myself as we tried to prep for the chaos that was looming today. She is a saint. Now Barb has these snake oils that she claims do wonders and I don't know if I buy it, but she convinced me that one of them would help combat my wall-shaking snoring so I decided to give it a whirl. It was supposed to go under my toes and here was no way I was allowing someone else to touch my feet so I agreed to put it on, so long as I got to apply it myself. Of course, I smelled like I was on my way to a Panic show, which I was OK with but the word from Hannah was that I never snored! So maybe it works after all. And then being the saint that she is, Barb planned to stay after her shift ended to go in the operating room with us and play photographer. So HUGE shoutout to Barb, mostly for taking such amazing care of my wife for the past 7.5 weeks. A one of a kind spirit.

Now on to today. The day started bright and early at 4 AM with Hannah bouncing out of bed like Christmas morning to get ready. I laid around until I had to get up and watched as Hannah diligently put her makeup on, just as if she were on her way out to dinner and a movie. One of the (many) things I love about this woman, her ability to stay calm when she absolutely should not be. 

At 5 or so it was time for the mag bolus and hooking up to the monitors and the real prep work. Hannah had been warned over and over that the mag would probably make her feel rough, so she was a little apprehensive about it. Other than a flushed face and feeling hot, she took it like a champ. Babies looked good on the monitors and everything clicked right along.

Starbucks opened at 6 and I was in like to get my fix at 5:57. Almost two hours awake without coffee felt like I had been entombed for 1,000 years and woken up with ice, cold water. I think flames came out of my eyes they burned so hotly. 

Around 7 or so the anesthesiologist came in to explain her procedure and step-by-step what to expect. All sounded good and then came the question of the year - would our friend Jennifer be able to come in the operating room for to take pictures. The answer was no. This was a HUGE deal to Hannah and extremely disappointing to learn that she would not be able to do this. Hannah was brought to tears with the news and my words of encouragement didn't help much. 

Soon after all this, our nurse for today - Rachel, also our friend, came in to start her work and she was able to explain to Hannah the importance of having the operating room clear for everyone to work and highlighted the fact that overall it was safer for the babies to not have her in there. Rachel is another one of the many unbelievable people that has absolutely gone above and beyond to help make Hannah's stay here as good as it could possibly be. She was here on day 1 when we checked in, so it was wonderful to start this with a familiar face and even more wonderful to close this out with her. She was awesome this morning of course, especially after the surgery (more on that later).

Family started rolling in, first Buddy and Debbie and Nathan and Elizabeth. Then my Dad and Maury, Gretchen and Simms. Simms was super tired but looked so cute in the outfit Hannah demanded he wear. I was so happy to see him. After spending so much time for him over the past 7.5 weeks, its gotten a lot harder for me to be away from him. It was great to have everyone up there this morning and helped to calm me down, especially when everyone offered to haul our stuff away to our new room.

Around 8:15, Hannah's Dad, Buddy led us in a prayer before we said goodbye to all of the family before the operation. It was beautiful and a great reminder of the force at work with all of this. If you're reading this blog, you know the miracle of mono/mono twins and it has only been by God's grace that we even made it to this day. We said our goodbyes, suited up and held our breath before we got called back.

A little after 8:30, Rachel got the OK to bring us back and we walked toward the operating room. Hannah was whisked away to get her spinal and get situated and I was relegated to the "daddy chair" in the hallway. I don't know how long I ended up waiting there, but it felt like an eternity. My hands were sweaty, I was fidgety, my mind was racing and I was ready to get back there and be with my wife. Nurses kept walking by, "almost ready," they said every single time. Finally I was called back and the chaos began.

I walked in and was instantly stunned by the scene. Nurses, doctors, unfamiliar people everywhere in the room. Lights, bright lights, cords, wires, blue drapes, hats, gloves, beeps, bangs, whispers and mumblings. It was sensory overload. There was Hannah. Absolutely calm as could be, smiling at me as if there was nothing in the world strange about having her stomach sliced open and insides prodded through. By this point I had been required to pull my little face mask down over my nose and mouth. Not a great feeling. It felt like it was designed to fit a baby's face and didn't seem to cover everything the way it was supposed to. I know I have a big melon, but come on. That and I think I started to hyperventilate a little bit when I first got in there. Great accessory for someone who has just seen the most startling thing in their life. Cover their mouth and force them to breathe recycled, hot air. 

I took up residence in my stool by Hannah's head and tried to get a grasp on everything that was happening. I couldn't really see anything beyond the curtain, and that was a good thing. I said a few sweet things to Hannah and made sure she was doing well, but truly I think it was me that needed someone to whisper sweet nothings in my ear and tell me that it was all going to be OK and that I was not in fact going to be rushed to the emergency room for a heart attack mid c-section. Hannah continued her beaming smile, laughing, eagerly posing questions to Dr. Hennessy as he worked on her. I don't know what they gave her y'all, but give me some of that to take back home. 

Some time passed, I really don't know how much and I felt like I heard the word "incision" and then I heard crying. At this point I was sitting up, trying to see beyond the curtain and the nurse told me I could look. Hannah told me to record the crying, which I did. And then I saw him. Baby A, #1 - Ellison Abel Davis. Born 10/22/14 at 9:13 AM, weighing 4 lbs, 10 oz and measuring 17.25 inches. I immediately cried when I saw him. They hoisted him over to the warmer and I followed to get a glance. I started filming again and saw him go from bright red, to blue to purple and I had to sit down. He wasn't crying anymore. They had a mask over his face. Nobody was telling me anything, which was my absolute worst fear in being present for all this - not knowing what was going on and whether or not they were OK. I said to Hannah through tears, "he's blue, babe," which she shrugged off and said he was crying and he was fine. It was at this point that I sort of lost track of what was happening with her and the other baby.

"Don't hyperextend his arm" was the next thing I remember hearing and I sort of went into a panic. I had almost forgotten that B, #2 was still in there. Doc said, "her uterus is contracting," there were some other mumblings, a lot of moving around and more worrisome phrases overheard. I am probably not going to tell this part well, its because it was all a blur and I had almost just shut my mind off from everything to try and stop freaking myself out. I finally asked someone where B was and they said he was on the warmer. I had never even seen him come out and be moved over. He had come out completely silent. They had to do some compressions to get him going. I saw him on the warmer for the first time and knew he was much smaller than his brother and didn't seem to be doing great. Vance Thomas Davis. Born 10/22/14 at 9:15 AM, weighing 3 lbs, 12 oz and measuring 17.15 inches.

At this point neither baby was making a sound and there were nurses hovering over each one, working them, masks over their faces, numbers beeping, more cords, wires, etc. I had almost completely forgotten about Hannah being there, really not even having seen them or knowing anything. She was still smiling and glowing. I showed her some pictures and told them they were not doing well. She assured me that they were fine. I kept asking nurses how they were, they all said they were fine. Nothing seemed fine to me. This was another world from our delivery process with Simms. Simms popped right out, cried his brains out and was cleaned off and in my arms in about 15 minutes. Below is a photo of Simms right after delivery, on the left and Ellis right after delivery, on the right. Look familiar?

The babies were stabilized, foot printed and whisked away. I must have honestly asked 3 different nurses 100 times if they were OK. Dr. Hennessy got on the phone with Dr. Wolfe and I tried to listen to everything he was saying, trying to hear something that would give me peace of mind. Hannah was trying to talk to me. Everyone else was walking around, working, seemingly nonchalantly going about their business as if all was well and I just stayed in a speechless panic. Hannah was frustrated that I wouldn't just take their word for it and calm down. She was still being amazing. Still laughing, smiling, joking around with everyone. They cleaned her off and took the covers off her belly - or what used to be a belly. This girl was built for having babies. She laid there 5 minutes post c-section and looked like she had just stepped off a Victoria's Secret Swimsuit shot. She was flat as a board of course. Good thing I'm typing this, because she would never say that about herself. We finalized all the cleaning and post-procedure work and made our way out to the recovery room.

Once we were in the recovery room, Hannah's upbeat, feel-good demeanor quickly started to tail off. She started feeling bad almost instantly. I felt so bad for her because here was a woman that had just spent 7.5 weeks in a hospital to deliver these baby boys and she had barely even caught a glimpse of them. She threw up. She writhed in pain, not from the cut, but I think just the combination of having her insides shaken up like a martini and whatever pharmaceutical mixer had been thrown in for good measure. She didn't walk to talk, open her eyes or move a muscle. 

We waited and waited, all the while sweet Rachel tended to us. She brought Hannah a barf bin, wet cloths, answered my 1,000 questions but most importantly - she helped us deliver the placenta out of the hospital. You read that correctly, folks. Hannah's placenta was packaged up like Italian takeout and placed in a plastic bag of ice to wait for its final destination. I know what you're thinking, because I was there over a year ago when Hannah told me she was going to do this with Simms. WTF? Placenta encapsulation is a "thing," and supposedly there are many benefits to a mother taking "placenta pills" following delivery of her baby(ies). So the placenta is hauled off, dried and grinded up in to capsules to be taken daily following delivery. Hannah did this with Simms and I don't know if it was the placebo effect or the true power of the placenta, but she did great postpartum after him. So, we called in our PPH (professional placenta handler), Hallie and had Rachel take the placenta out to her so we could make use of it later on. I think Rachel said something like "as long as you aren't making it into cookies and eating it or something," so, no, no cookies. 

Another eternity passed and Rachel told me I would finally be able to go see the babies at 11:20. In the meantime, she was sweet enough to take a few photos and videos of the little guys to tide me over. It was so very hard for me waiting to see them, and I had just done it. I can't imagine being Hannah and having to wait and wait even longer. I asked Rachel to "sneak" me in to the NICU so that I could bypass the waiting room. Not that I didn't want to see any of the beautiful people that had waited all day to see us/babies, just that I couldn't wait another second to see them and didn't want any more delays.

Right on time, Rachel whisked me off, through the secret staff entrance, to the NICU. I was informed about the 3-minute initial scrub down ritual I had to partake in and I asked the nurse there another 10,000 questions. If you haven't noticed, I ask a lot of questions. I need to take in enough information to get myself to a point where I feel comfortable with what is happening. And in this case, I needed a lot of information. 

She told me that we had been lucky enough to get a "twin room," which was a miracle on top of all the other miracles of this day. A twin room meant that we would have a private little space in the NICU where it was just our babies. A quiet, peaceful little place where we can go see them without distraction. 

I walked in to see the little guys in their incubators. Ellis on the left, Vance on the right. Another 100 questions or so to the nurses in there and I proceeded to fawn over them for several minutes. I didn't want to touch them. I just felt like they were so fragile being in there that anything I did to compromise their little clean environment would do more harm than good. It was hard though. Seeing my babies and not being able to hold them. So finally I got the courage to open the hatch and stick a finger in to touch Vance. He looked tiny but he felt so much smaller when I put my hand in. He was obviously quite a bit smaller than Ellis and you could see that. He was also more pink. He looked more "normal" to me. Ellis looked red and ruddy, like a 50-year old man fresh back from a whiskey-soaked hunting trip. I took in as much as I could and went out to start giving the family tours.

I stopped in the hall to give everyone my 60-second summary and went back to check on Hannah. By this point, she had been moved to her new room and was no better than she was when I left her. Honestly maybe worse. Still throwing up, still not wanting to eat, drink or move. I felt terrible. In the rush of emotions I felt today, nothing was worse than standing by her bed feeling completely helpless. I quickly realized that there was no shot at getting her mobile to go see the boys and she gave me the OK to start letting the family back there.

I started with my Dad, Maury and Gretchen. Sweet Jennifer was there to shoot pictures for us and I think we thought she would be allowed to go back and take pics of the boys. I was told only parents, so I tried to stick to the rules. We all gushed over them for a few minutes and I went back to check on Hannah again. Still the same. I didn't help matters of course when I checked Facebook and saw that she had misspelled Ellison's middle name in her post. If you know Hannah and myself, you know that we value our social media. This had to be corrected immediately. I grabbed her phone and quickly edited the spelling to the correct one. This didn't seem to be an important matter to Hannah at this point - as she was literally vomiting again into her barf bin. 

I got out of there quickly enough and continued my tours. This time is was Debbie, Nathan and Elizabeth. Next up was Buddy, Gail and my brother Nick. Buddy was reluctant to go back and I think we may have prodded him a bit, but he went. 

During this time, we continued getting information and updates on the babies that I hadn't already received. It turns out that the umbilical cord for B (Vance) was much smaller and thinner than Ellis' and he was getting approximately 25% of the placenta at the time of delivery. Dr. Hennessy went as far to say that based on what we saw today, if we had waited much longer on delivery that the prognosis may have been much different than it was today. Another one of God's miracles. Ellis had stopped breathing on his own soon after delivery and had to be pepped up a bit. Vance needed some work as well, but overall nothing too out of the ordinary for babies born at 32 weeks. The anesthesiologist was able to get Hannah's uterus relaxed during delivery, so this was crucial in getting Vance out when we did. Otherwise, his outcome may have been different. Based upon what they saw today, they felt there was some twin-to-twin going on and that is why Ellis had gotten bigger and also explained his red man red color. 

Ellis started on 25% oxygen and Vance crusied through at 21%. Vance had a little blood pressure issue at first but they were able to get that stabilized. From memory, one of them had blood sugar levels off but I honestly can't remember which one they said it was, but those are fine now. Ellis also needed a little bit of caffeine, which blew my mind - CAFFEINE FOR A BABY!? But, it was a normal part of treatment. Their red blood counts were both a little high, but nothing that seemed to be a red flag. Overall, the nurses assured me over and over that they are doing great and not having any issues outside the realm of "normal" for 32 weekers. 

I went and checked on Hannah again to see if she had come around and she continued to be the same. She encouraged me to go on and go eat with my family and to let her rest. So I did that. My Dad, Maury, Nick, Olivia and myself went to grab lunch at the Copper Cellar on the strip. I had a celebratory IPA, some good food and good company. But I still felt completely shattered that Hannah hadn't been able to even celebrate this miracle. She texted me saying that she still didn't feel any better and went as far to say that she felt like you would if you were "so drunk that every time you looked up you felt the room spinning and you're going to throw up and all you want to do is lie in a cold, quiet place and rest." So that's what I let her do.

I went back to the hospital and spent the rest of the afternoon checking on the babies, asking questions and checking on Hannah. Around 5:15, I made a last ditch effort to see if she was feeling well enough to go see the babies before visitation cut off at 6. She hadn't gotten any better. So I eased into the room and tried to stay in one place. That's where we are now. Hannah asked me to go ahead and write the blog since she is unable and since we want to document and share this absolutely remarkable story of the birth of our two boys. Not remarkable for anything I have done, but remarkable for the work that God, the good people at this hospital, the abundantly gracious members of our family and last but certainly not least, my hero of a wife - who has put her entire life on hold to bring these miracle babies into the world - this is for you all. 

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to share this journey with us. Hannah is going to try to maintain the blog from here on out, but rest assured we are in amazing, capable hands and all is well. We love you all from the bottom of our hearts and continue to be amazed at your outpouring of love and affection. God bless and Happy Twinsday! 

- Cal

32 w e e k s (and my last day pregnant)

day 51:
so obviously i decided to blog today. i ended up with a little bit of time right now, so I'm going for it! i have a nurse i love today. so glad. when she came in this morning she brought in all of cal's stuff to wear to surgery tomorrow, hospital bracelets for the twins, my belly binder, scrub soap, and all kinds of other stuff. holy reality check.

as excited as i am to meet them tomorrow i would be totally lying if i said there weren't some things i am also grieving:

not having the moment where you sit in the hospital bed and having simms run and jump in bed to meet his little brothers.

not getting to have a "normal" vaginal delivery and going into labor. simms birth was so fun and so easy (thank you epidural) and tomorrow is foreign to me.

not leaving the hospitals with babies in the backseat.

not getting to have immediate skin to skin and nursing.

not having our family and friends simply be excited. i fear everyones tears when they see them hooked up to cords and machines. i know it won't be easy for anyone to see, but tomorrow is their BIRTHDAY and i want to CELEBRATE their lives. i realize this is probably unrealistic for me to want everyone to only be excited, but just being honest here.

i have made it to 32 weeks! the perfect time for delivery for mono/mono twins. satan often tries to come in my head and make me feel guilty that i have to deliver them so early but i know that this is whats best for THEM. they are safer out. all of my doctors agreed that this is when we deliver after over 20 years experience. we have decided to do something called cord milking for the babies. if you have heard of delayed cord clamping, its essentially the same thing but a better alternative for preemie twins. with delayed cord clamping doctors let all of the blood pulse from the placenta into the baby until its done pulsing. it is supposed to have lots of benefits for the baby (heres an awesome article on it if you are interested) but with twins you can't sit and wait on that while another baby is in there needing to come out. so what they do is give the cord 3 good squeezes of blood down toward the baby to give it more of its own blood (preemies typically require lots of blood transfusions so its nice for them to have lots of their own blood in them)

i've gotten the approval of my doctor but still awaiting approval from anesthesia to have one of my best friends in the room to take some photos of the twins taking their first breaths. those pictures are a huge deal to me and i would really prefer to have jennifer taking her amazing pictures rather than our crappy phone pictures. if you all could pray that they would allow her, this would be huge to me. obviously pictures are very very very important to me.

my morning NST looked good. lots of contractions. my nurse even said they would probably have come pretty early with those contractions on their own anyways. i got my LAST betamethasone (steroid) shot to the ass. passed my first glucose test after breakfast. still waiting on my after lunch test. hopefully i won't need insulin again. my sweet bff hallie brought up lennys since my mom and simms couldn't make it up today. thank for you lunch and all you have done for me!!!! love you tons!

my mom has also been a lifesaver through all of this. she took a month and a half off work (unpaid i might add!!) to keep simms for us. if that isn't sacrificial love, i don't know what is! i can learn so much from her. simms loves being with his "mumsie" as he called her the other day and i have been able to rest easy knowing he is either with her, debbie, or cal for 99% of my time here. cals cousins, meghan and anna, cals mom, along with my aunt gail have all also helped too! thank you all for giving me peace knowing simms was in great hands! my mom also brought simms up almost every single day with lunch for me too. plus she did my laundry!!!!! so for everything, thank you mom! i love you tons!

well. i guess thats all i've got for today. cannot wait for dinner tonight with family and to have cal spend the night for the first time yet! sleepover!!!! i cannot believe i only have ONE NST left. i never thought i would finally be here!

prayers i would love:

for the babies to only need room air and be healthy as they can be, for my recovery to be quick, for my nerves to be calm tomorrow, for a good night's sleep tonight,  that i won't be dying of thirster hunger not being able to drink or eat, to not feel terrible from the magnesium, to not throw up during the actual surgery, to have the strength to go see the twins quickly after i am out of recovery and in a room (i have to be able to get out of bed and in a wheelchair), for my family to not be shocked by the NICU, to have my friend jennifer be able to come back for photos, and for cal's nerves to be calm.

ONE MORE DAY.

my last ultrasound

day 50:
this is going to be a long post. especially since i didn't blog yesterday. hopefully i can remember everything i need to post.

yesterday marked 7 weeks here and today is 50 days. absolutely nuts. i would never have thought God would give me the stamina to stick this out, but of course he has. this was his plan all along after all. all the credit for my strength and the babies health can only be attributed to HIM. i hope no one thinks for a minute that i am strong or lucky. i am neither. hopefully i am obedient in doing what he has asked of me by being here and trusting him, but lucky and strong, i am not.

yesterday was a great day except for our disgusting dinner in the cafeteria.  haha! cal spent almost the whole day here and i got to have another nap with sweet simms. he tripped over his own feet yesterday and fell into a table in my room. he about gave me a heart attack. it made a horrible place on his face and i rushed him out to the nurses begging for help. they gave me some ice for his face (which of course he would have no part of) and gave him a popsicle. he's never had a popsicle but he immediately forgot about what had happened the second he got it. i still cringe when i look at the bruise and cut on his face but he is not even slightly worried about it. learning lessons from my one year old that it could be worse. it could've been much worse. i don't need to worry about his bruise and need to be grateful thats all he has.

we ate dinner early (at 5) and the food was terrible. i maybe had 3 bites. simms loved it though! haha! after they left i got on the monitors, i had the most contractions I've ever had. i think it was because cal made me take SO many walks. the boys looked good though. i saw maybe two late decels (decels after a contraction) and a couple variables. nothing to worry about though!

at about 10 i was STARVING. i called out and asked for a snack. let me just tell you what barb brought in: tomato soup, a turkey sandwich, chips, grapes, yogurt, crackers, cereal, and milk! i mean is barb not the best!? then she gave me a foot massage with her amazing oils and made my room smell like heaven (aka bonnaroo) i should also add that barb gives me a foot massage almost every time she's here. not just when she's my nurse. but here anywhere on the floor!!!! she is a SAINT. love you barb!!!!!!!!! she will be my nurse until 7 am the day of the csection and i am so excited she will be the one prepping me.

now I'm caught up to today! i woke up shocked thinking "tomorrow is my last day pregnant. where the hell has the time gone!?!!" the boys looked good on the morning NST. i got to have a really fun betamethasone (steroid) shot in the ass while i was on the monitors. i'll get my last one tomorrow. today i have a nurse, lindsey, who i LOVE. we have lots of mutual friends. she changed my last picc line dressing and even though the dressing change is supposed to be tomorrow i asked her if she would do it today because she did such a good job last time. she ended up not being able to do it because she got busy but another awesome nurse did it. i know i've told you guys how the sticker on it feels like poison ivy 24/7 but let me just show you what it looks like with the sticker off. its so irritated. i won't miss the stickers at all. also if i had a cup of bleach i would dump it on the rash during the picc line change and it would feel amazing.

mom, simms, and bendel got up later than usual today so i ran down and got lunch in the cafeteria. i got the same thing i ate last time i had steroids because i didn't have to get a shot of insulin when i ate it last time. well when they checked my blood sugar after lunch it was 175. it has to be under 160 to not get insulin. so after the shot in my ass this morning, i got one in my belly this afternoon. simms thought it was hilarious. cool simms.

they ended up calling me up for my LAST ULTRASOUND while mom was here. so glad she got to go up and see it. even bendel went! haha! i can't believe this could possibly be my last ultrasound ever. ever.

ULTRASOUND RESULTS:

baby a was 3 lb 11 oz and the 15th percentile (from 3 lbs even and 20th percentile)

baby b was 4 lbs even and the 34 percentile (from 3 lbs 5 oz and 42nd percentile)

9% difference in the two

i was thrilled to see that they both grew 11 oz since they've been only gaining 8 ounces every 2 weeks. all the rest of the ultrasound looked great. cord flow was great. fluid was the same. no shunting.

if you can't tell what that is. its baby b profile over on the right with his cord and hand above his face.


ok. so i have been meaning this whole time to get photos of my room exactly how i live in it. not cleaned up for pictures. but the honest photo. i want to be able to remember this time (i think, haha) so heres some photos of my room.

(i probably need to say why theres a picture of airheads. my brother and his wife sent me a sam's sized box and even though theres a million toys in my room, they are simms FAVORITE thing to play with. its basically all he wants to do. my friend shawna gave us the halloween bucket and we have been practicting "trick or treat" for a week or so. he, of course, doesn't get it. he screams for the candy until we give it to him, he puts in the bucket, and occasionally says "trick tree" after.)

tomorrow is going to be a really busy day too. i might not get time to blog honestly. i will be getting my blood sugars done again all day tomorrow, my LAST steroid shot, an interview with anesthesia and then were having a family dinner at 5pm! i am so excited! my stepmom, debbie, had the idea to do this and it means so so much. i have to eat a really early dinner because i'm doing an earlier NST (from 6ish-10ish) so that i can go to bed early. i can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight (even water!!! wtf!?) i'll have a hard enough time sleeping as it is, but on top of that the steroids keep me up at night and i drink TONS of water. so i would love prayers for a good night's rest! i'll be getting up at around 4-5am to shower because i have to start a magnesium bolus 3-4 hours before the csection (which is at 8:30 am) if i don't end up having time to blog i will make a Facebook status and update everyone.

i can't believe this could be my last blog before the twins are here. i know i have said this over and over and over but i can't reiterate it enough. THANK YOU everyone who has supported us, loved us, brought food and gifts, sent surprises in the mail, prayed for us, etc. during this whole 7+ weeks here. prayers have been answered every single day. this whole journey has been nothing short of a miracle and i know God is not done with it yet.

this was a little poem in my devotional last week and i have been meaning to post it:

A little bird i am,
shut from fields of air,
and in my cage i sit and sing
to Him who placed me there;
Well pleased a prisoner to be,
Because, My God, it pleases thee.

My cage confines me round,
freely i cannot fly,
But though my wings are closely bound,
My soul is at liberty;
For prison walls cannot control
he flight or freedom of the soul.

- madame guyon

2 days left.

the dinner party

day 48:
todays blog is going to be short and sweet because cal is up here past 8pm with me for the first time ever! so i want to spend some time with him :)

this mornings NST went great. everything looked normal and fine. i slept through most of it because i am just so exhausted lately. cal and simms came up and brought lunch. they hung out for a little while after but had to go run errands. so i enjoyed my time laying around watching the notebook and cnn :) haha

cal came back up with my clean clothes (thank you love!) and my baby that had napped. my dad and debbie told us they were going to bring up some spaghetti, roast, mashed potatoes, and carrots and would let us know when they got here. they texted and told us to meet them in the cafeteria. we came down to this!

absolutely amazing surprise! a home cooked meal and a REAL dinner table!!! this was such a sweet surprise and i know it was tons of work for them. i definitely think this was my favorite meal yet. simms absolutely destroyed his dinner and apple pie. he was literally licking the apple pie bowl. i don't know if he's ever liked a dessert more. i can't blame him. it was awesome! THANK YOU dad and debbie so much for making tonight special for us and going to so much work.

simms left to go spend the night with them so that cal can get up and go fish really early in the morning. only the second time he's spent the night out! so cal got to stay and hangout with me :) were going to finish watching the UT vs. Ole Miss game.

4 days left.

flat heart rates

day 47:
last night's NST went well. baby a had one "dippity do" as my nurse maureen called it. but totally normal other than that. this mornings NST, however, didn't look as great for the first hour. their heart rates looked a little flat. they say that babies in utero have about 20 minute sleep cycles but in all my NSTs i have never seen longer then 15 minutes tops (heart rates look flat during deep sleep) heres an example of awake (on most of the screen in the blue) and then asleep (toward the right side of the screen in the blue)… you can see how they look flat when they go to sleep

with anyone else they wouldn't have been concerned, but they know what my strips normally look like and this was weird for my twins. they ended up having me turn on my side in hopes that it would wake them up and it did. after the little episode i got called up for my ultrasound. their ultrasound went great. all the same information as always. only one more ultrasound left! ahhh! i got a picture of one of the babies (can't remember which one) with a little grin. both sides of his face were smashed into something but still cute!

doc towers said even though everything looked good on the ultrasound he would still like me to do an afternoon NST session. he felt really bad making me do that but he said we are so close to the end and he doesn't want to miss anything. couldn't agree more!

after i finished my morning session i went for a walk and went out to the farmers market that they have every other friday here. somehow i have managed to miss it every time but finally made it today. got simms a little pumpkin.

he and mom brought up my favorite lunch today (subs n such) since they had been up near it at the airport looking at planes earlier today. lunch was so so good (thank you mom!!!!) after they left i got back on the monitors for my extra afternoon session. i got a surprise delivery of insomnia cookies from jen and randy lee while i was on the monitors (thank you guys!!)  the twins ended up looking great and normal. thank you Jesus! my dad swung by after with my new and improved laptop!!!!! its all fixed and perfect now. THANK YOU SO MUCH DAD!

looking forward to spending most of my weekend with cal and simms. i can't wait to have some good chunks of time with them instead of our one hour at night. i won't be spending as much time watching CNN and freaking out over ebola that way ;)

5 days left.

Just an average Thursday.

Day 46:
Today I woke up to drilling and construction at 6 am (a thousand eyes rolling emojis) I don't know why that's a good time to start doing some construction on a patient floor? But they didn't work on it anymore the rest of the day, just at the crack of dawn this morning. Whatever. Anyways, my morning NST went fine. I was having more contractions that felt slightly painful but they died down around lunch thankfully.

Mom and simms brought lunch up after I got off (thank you!!!) we took simms through the gift shop after lunch and he gave hugs to all the stuffed animals and then put them back in the shelves. He has such a sweet heart, wish I could say he got that from me. Definitely from daddy. He's started doing this thing where he comes and rubs you with his hand while he lays his head into you. So so loving. He can also pitch a good fit though. Which he did tonight.

Doc wolfe said she felt like the pain I had in between my shoulder blades was what's called "referred pain" and likely HORRIBLE heartburn. My nurse always checks my lungs and bowel sounds with a stethoscope and last night she said my stomach was not at all where it belonged and was way up high (thanks baby a.) so I definitely think the pain was from this whole combo. I haven't had it today though. Praise the Lord!

Meghan Taylor dropped off dinner with my mom tonight for cal to bring up and Debbie also brought food up so we had plenty of dinner tonight! It was great! (Thank you guys so much!) after dinner simms kept trying to mess with the baby warmer in my room and was pulling cords. Cal and I both told him "no" several times. He finally understood and got so mad and threw himself on the ground in a tantrum. He's a real piece of work.

Today was pretty good overall. Hoping these good days continue. I'm definitely feeling like I have a bag of bricks in my stomach but seeing the end in sight keeps me going.

6 more days.

one week left!

Day 45:
Last night was really rough. Not for the babies but for me. Before cal and simms left I started getting a horrible pain in between my shoulder blades that would come and go. It would take my breath away. I called out and asked the nurse for Zantac. Cal and Simms left. I got on the monitors and continued to have the horrible pain. On a scale of 1-10, I gave it a 7. I thought after I got off the monitors and took an ambien, I would just be knocked out for the night. I wasn't. I was up all night in pain. I knew I couldn't have anymore Zantac so I didn't even bother calling out for help. I worried it could've been gall bladder or something else since all I had for dinner was macaroni and cheese and chicken noodle soup but just tried to get as much sleep as I could. The sun was up before I knew it.

I could still feel the pain but it was much better this morning. I slept through almost all of my morning NST but then got called up for my ultrasound. The ultrasound went great overall. Baby a did have borderline shunting again today though. I swear I think he has it every other time, it comes and goes. But besides that everything looked great. I came back down to finish the NST (which was good!) then I ran down to the cafeteria and grabbed a sandwich since my mom and Simms didn't come up until later. I was terrified to eat because that's when I got the pain before but it didn't come back. Thank you Lord! Mom and Simms came up after for a little bit. She brought some awesome cookies she'd made (thanks mom!) and I got a delivery of adorable cookies from lisa and bobby Klepper (thank you guys so much!)

After mom left I spent the rest of the day in bed. I really haven't felt great lately and am thankful I made the decision to spend this time resting. I definitely need it. I haven't even taken my daily walks outside because I'm just too exhausted. I can't believe I only have a week left!

7 days left.

3 1 w e e k s

Day 44:
I'm 31 weeks today!!
This morning my dad came by while I was on the monitors to back up all my photos, videos, and files. Then he took my computer to get the screen fixed. Dad has been so so good to me through of all of this. He does so much more than a dad should even do. We were talking about the temporal thermometer they use up here the other day and he was saying how it was like a comedy sketch. When he was little they stuck a glass stick with Mercury in it up your butt and told you not to move. Now they give you a gentle swipe across the forehead. Haha! so I was telling him that the nurse said they carried the same brand at SAMs and when I get out I wanted to use his membership and go get one. Well today he brought one! So sweet snd thoughtful for him to take the time to do that in the middle of his crazy busy life. Thank you dad for everything!

The boys looked great on the morning NST. I had a lot of contractions but they aren't concerned about them. I think baby b had two variables and baby a had zero. So another good session in the books. Mom, simms, and bendel came up to bring Lennys for lunch (thank you mom!!)  simms was nuts. He was break dancing and also walking around fake falling while dying laughing at himself. After they left shawna dropped in to grt the piano she had let simms borrow and then it was time to get my picc dressing change. My sweet nurse told me she felt so bad because she hadn't done it since she learned about it in school. I told her it was totally fine and I would walk her through it. She rocked it and did awesome.

I got to go take a few newborn pictures of my friend's baby down the hall. So glad I was here to do that for them! I spent the rest of the day watching tv and resting. I've been so exhausted lately. Oh! I forgot to say that my blogs won't have photos for the next few days until I get my computer back.

8 days left!

picc line clot

day 43:
so last night when they went to flush my picc, one of them wouldn't flush and had no drawback (they couldnt pull blood back from it) so they called the picc team last night and they suggested something called cathflo. apparently i had a clot somewhere in it? we had to wait until today for it to be approved by doc towers.

i woke up this morning and got put on the monitors. one of simms's babysitters, maloy dorman, swung by and brought slut brownies (major score) and diapers and wipes for the twins!!! thank you so much maloy!! i got called up for my ultrasound after she left. i made sure to ask the girl scanning me about the head size and she measured their heads for me. baby a's head was 3 weeks behind (1 cm smaller), so my suspicions were correct. everything else looked great. i asked doc towers about it and he wasn't worried since everything else has looked so good. these boys are coming on 10/22 and one is just going to be smaller. they're pretty crammed in there now but she tried to get me a few 3d pictures. the picture on the left baby has a knee smashed into his face and they both look really pissed off…

after i got back from the ultrasound i found out doc towers had approved the cathflo and they went ahead and put it in the line. they let it sit for 30 minutes and then came back to test it to see if it had worked, it had! my mom came up with simms and lunch in the middle of all this. he loved watching. after they fixed my clogged line, i looked down and noticed the other line was full of blood! so i had to call out and ask for a nurse. she came and flushed it, its been fine ever since. not sure what the deal with that was?

i walked mom and simms out after lunch. we stopped and did bubbles until simms felt the need to stop and pick up a cigarette butt. i was all

not enough hand santizer in the world for that nastiness. his pants were so tight today that he could barely walk, haha! guess we need to put them up and save them for the twins. pretty sure they are size 3-6 months (he's 13 months.) when i got back up from walking them out i got a text from a friend that she was in labor just a few doors down! she let me pop in and say hi. i didn't stay long because i told her she needed to rest. she ended up having the baby like an hour later! i thought i was going to have a friend up here for a little while but i guess not! get it girl!

looking forward to seeing my sweet husband tonight. we will NOT be eating cafeteria food after last night's nastiness, haha.

9 days left.

napping with simms

day 42:
today was a better day than yesterday. been here 6 weeks today!  i had a good NST this morning and when i got off my friends jordan and carly jakubowksi and jordan's sister, stephanie darling, came by and brought me lunch! thank you guys so much. theres not a day that goes by that i don't greatly appreciate people bringing food. they have a little girl named ayla who is just a few months older than simms. cal got up here with simms right before they were about to leave so simms and ayla got to play for a little bit.

they live out of town, so cal and i are always thrilled to see them and spend time with them. just never long enough! after they left my mom swung by and brought the cutest little outfits for the twins (thank you mom!) and simms was starting to need a nap. before i came in the hospital i laid with him for every nap. totally spoiled him. i have really missed that but today, he finally took a nap with me!
cal and i both laid down in my tiny hospital bed with him. haha! we turned on finding nemo and eventually he fell asleep. however, cal wouldn't let me turn the movie off and made me watch the whole thing. apparently he's never seen it!?

but simms slept an hour and half and woke up in a great mood. he flirted with all the nurses and house keeping staff like always and then our friends wes and alex bailey, and wes's parents jeff and rebecca all surprised me! and brought a bag of candy that entertained simms for hours!! thank you guys! wes and alex also live out of town so i definitely got spoiled in the friend department today. after they all left, we went down to the cafeteria and ate a disgusting dinner. usually its not too bad. tonight sucked. so i am scrambling now to finish this blog before I'm on the monitors. uneventful day baby wise, but not visitor wise. thank you everyone for taking time out of YOUR weekend to come see me. it means so much.

getting caught up

day 41:
sorry i missed yesterday. i used my time to catch up on some much needed rest since i wasn't feeling great. I'm starting to get extremely uncomfortable and having basically constant heartburn. not fun. major hats off to moms carrying twins longer than i will, i don't know how you did it!

yesterday i had my routine ultrasound. i didn't pay much attention to the pictures because we couldn't get a good 3d but vaguely remember the tech saying "the angle of this one makes the difference in size look worse than it really is" well… later in the afternoon i actually looked at the pictures and saw this one of their heads…uhhh…

that looks absolutely terrible in my very NONexpert opinion. i hope the sizes aren't as drastic as they seem. but the ultrasound went well. cords were great. no shunting. fluid was still low. (and if you are confused as to why it says B is the one with the smaller head and i have been saying that A was smaller, its because i don't change who's who back and forth like they do here. i keep it the same on the blog so its less confusing)

i had a really good day until i cracked my macbook pro screen. i was just closing it and put too much pressure on the screen with my thumb. it was ridiculous how little force cracked the glass. it ruined my day. i never break anything. I'm just not one of those type of people. i swear i was having like PTSD the rest of the night replaying it my head constantly. I ALWAYS do that with anything upsetting to me. my brain replays it over and over and over. its some type of coping thing do desensitize myself i guess. i talked to my dad a lot about it, he's one of the only people thats really good at calming me down when i am in panic attack mode.

i had a ton of contractions on last night's NST and i know it was because i was so upset. i eventually calmed down (thank you dad.) and set my alarm to get up early so i could start today on a better foot with some starbucks. as i am walking down the hall to go get my starbucks, i see a bunch of nurses RUSHING a girl down the hall for a stat csection, so when i got back my nurse was back with that. so i put myself on the monitor. haha! the babies looked great this morning but toward the end baby a moved off the monitor. i spent a LONG time trying to find him and couldn't. i was honestly starting to get a little worried. then i decided to look up high and there he was! he mustve flipped and is breech now!? not that it matters. i had a ton of contractions all morning because i wasn't in the best mood over some things. you can see where the monitor had been and then i had to move it up on the left on the blue belt, then a picture of part of today's strip is underneath (babies heart rates in blue, contractions down at the bottom look like waves)

doc hennessey came by this morning and i asked him if i would be getting magnesium prior to delivery (it helps prevent brain bleeds and cerebral palsy.) many doctors don't give it once you hit 32 weeks but he said he felt like the side effects (which are apparently extremely NOT fun, you feel like you have the flu while you're on it) are benign compared to the benefits. so he said i will get a bolus of 6 grams 2 hours before the csection. a bolus is when you get it all at once instead of an iv drip over a 12 hour or so span. they said i should only feel bad for 30 minutes or so. i hope thats true! one of the big things I'm worried about with the csection is throwing up. my nurses have all warned me that it will probably happen because i have low blood pressure and the spinal tap will lower it even more, making me sick. so if you wouldn't mind praying about this for me, i would really appreciate it. its a silly fear, i know, but after 7 weeks here i would like to feel as good as possible when i finally get to see these boys.

my dad and debbie brought simms up for lunch and also brought me dinner for later (homemade mac and cheese!) thank you guys so much! they have helped so so much with all of this and i truly couldn't have done it without them.

i've been thinking about next week and i am going to limit my visitors to only family the week before delivery, so starting on wednesday. i want to be extremely rested physically and mentally. i feel like i need the time to focus on whats ahead. i hope everyone understands that its in no way a personal thing!! i've spent the past 6 weeks trying to make time go by quickly and next week i need to soak in every minute. every minute of being a family of 3. every minute of what could be my last pregnancy. every minute of solitude and quietness. every minute of simms being the only child. we are about to be on the nicu roller coaster and i want to do all that i can to prepare myself for that. I'm sure that sounds comical to anyone thats had a nicu baby! you probably can't prepare, but i want to try!

11 days left!

changed the twins names

day 39:
last night was great. my dad and debbie brought wasabi and we all ate together in the cafeteria. simms was his usual hysterical self and pulled the carrot out of his mouth and threw it on the ground and said "yuck!" apparently he'd rather have shrimp and chicken and shrimp sauce. cal said the other day, and i have to agree, he is so good for us because we see how fun life gets with kids. newborns are hard…. but simms age is so much fun! anyway. last night after we got back from dinner i was shocked to see maureen was back to work. she wasn't supposed to be back for another day or two so i was thrilled to get to have her! my other nurse barb gets back from vacation this weekend too! i looooove having all my favorite and familiar nurses back. i was thinking today how weird its going to be once i deliver because i will go to a different place on this floor called mother-baby. its a whole different set of nurses and i won't know anyone. last nights NST went well. maureen said there was just a 30 minute span where she saw some variables but nothing to be worried about.

today my friend courtney marzhal came while i was on the monitors and brought chickfila breakfast and a huge bag of goodies for the twins and simms. the stuff for simms was a HUGE hit, especially the bubbles! thank you so much courtney!!

the morning NST looked good with one small decel. my mom and i ate lunch downstairs in the cafeteria. they have been having a book fair all week, which includes christmas decorations. they kind of depress me because it shows how long i have been here. when i came it was summer.

we came back from lunch to find a delivery!! cals family (al, maury, katie, and mitch) sent my favorite plant, succulents! its gorgeous!!!

cal and i have been talking about changing the twins middle names for the past few days. we both decided we wanted them to have biblical names instead of what we had chosen. they are such miracles, we need to give credit where its due. so after much debate heres the new names:

ellison "ellis" abel - meaning breath
vance thomas - meaning twin

well. thats about all i've got for today.

13 days left!

the first (and hopefully last) decel

day 38:
so last night's NST was the first time that either baby have had a decel (deceleration in heart rate.) decels are basically the reason that i am on the monitors to begin with. the doctors look for decels since they can be a sign of cord compression. i heard his (baby a) hear rate drop (because I'm always listening) and it got slower and slower and stayed slow for an entire minute. their heart rates drop often, but never this low (down in the 80s) and never for this long. my nurse ran in and stuck something on my finger to check my pulse so that we knew it wasn't getting my heart rate instead of his. while she was in there his heart rate went down to the 80s again, but only for 30 seconds that time. after that, he got what they call "tachy" aka tachycardia (elevated.) barb explained it to me like this "baby got tacky and lost a little variability. a very normal response to stress. again think what happens when we have a near miss car wreck. that adrenaline rush. fight or flight response." so heres a photo of the two decels. you can see the first one (but the tracing wasn't great) and the second one was only audible and not traced but its where the mouse is on the screen.

his heart rate stayed elevated for at least an hour or two after. doc wolfe just happened to be here during all of this (thank goodness) and they were all trying to decide if he had a high baseline with decels (bad) or if he had a lower baseline with prolonged accels (good.) you can see his heart rate going up out of the blue:

hope thats not too confusing (i can see my dad telling me he was confused later) they turned me on my side and talked about giving me fluids and kept me on the monitor with the pulse thing on my finger for longer than i normally stay on. eventually they both went back to how the normally look so i was able to get off and not be monitored all night. praise the Lord!

so this morning i was eager to get on the monitors and see how they looked. they looked totally normal with only one little decel, which was during a contraction. after i got off, i got called up for my routine ultrasound to check the cords. in some weird way i hoped that they would find something so that i would have answers. but everything looked perfect. so doc hennessey comes in after the ultrasound and asks what in the world happened last night. i said "you tell me! haha" but he really didn't have an explanation. doc wolfe had told me this morning that last night was exactly why they monitor me and what they look for but doc hennessey said the opposite. he said that when you monitor babies as much as mine are you will see some weird stuff with no explanations. he didn't feel like it was anything serious to worry about. he said "but they were having a PARTY last night" …i'm getting more and more worried about baby a's personality hahaha. he seems WIIIILLLDDDDD and unpredictable.

last night was a good reminder of why i am here. things can change FAST with no real explanation. i am so grateful for the opportunity to be here and be cared for like i have.

after my ultrasound my mom came up with simms, bendel, and oscars taco shop for lunch. it was awesome. thanks mom! simms found a new favorite toy in my room

oh! i almost forgot. doc wolfe went over the dates she thought would be best to deliver me on. she gave me the options of the 21 or 22. after much debate and prayer we are going with the 22nd. hennessey felt like that was the better day too. so two weeks from today! i don't think they actually have my scheduled yet since we all just decided this afternoon but i will let you guys know when its set in stone.

3 0 W E E K S

day 37:
today marks a huge milestone. 30 weeks. when the twins had a huge difference in size and weren't looking healthy, this was the doctors' original goal for us..30 weeks. its such a blessing to be sitting here at 30 weeks knowing were going for 2 more! they say each day in utero is equal to 2-3 days outside in the nicu. so as much as i long to be home, i am VERY grateful for each day the boys get to keep cooking!

i woke up way too late today which ended up making me get on the monitors 30 minutes late. but the NST went great and the boys looked awesome and the same as always. last night we ended up having to get an ultrasound to find baby a for the NST. he is always the bad one. always. he was bad to keep on the monitors this morning too. he just seems so wild and undependable. one of the nurses told me he needs to have the strong middle name since i will have to say his full name to him a lot. haha! thats honestly how i think we should go about naming them now. anyway! this morning during my NST, sweet laura smothers stopped by and brought me a chickfila chicken biscuit! thanks laura for thinking of me!!!!

the NST looked great. after i finally got off i ran downstairs to meet my mom, simms, and hallie for lunch. thank you mom for bringing lunch and clean laundry. i feel so bad because all i do is thank people. such a helpless feeling to not be able to do hardly anything yourself or anything in return.. speaking of, hallie brought me these………

soooooo gotta finish those before my final round of steroids (i have to get blood sugars taken while i am getting my steroids) haha! but seriously she's the best friend ever (and not just for these) and i love her tons. my friend alexis also came by! she sent us a bundle of diapers from the honest co which is our favorite! THANK YOU!!! oh! and last night i got an email saying i had a starbucks gift card from rosemary petrone!! so huge shout out to rosemary for giving the gift of happiness! haha!!

i get to have my picc line dressing changed today but the horrible news is the nurse i requested to do it is out sick today. i have no idea who is doing it now :((((((( i guess thats all the news i have for today. happy i don't have much to report besides my giant belly and some candy corn rice krispy treats. doc towers said we will pick an exact day for the csection a week from today. looking forward to that so i can start a countdown, but trying to be mindful and enjoy being pregnant as much as i can in case its the last time that i am.