today i didn't want to blog and honestly, i still don't. cal's making me do it. today i have been here 3 weeks and prior to today it hasn't felt like 3 weeks. i don't know what happened today. it started out so great. i had a great day shift nurse. the boys looked great on the morning NST and stayed on really well. cal and simms came up at lunch and brought me the new iPhone and its amazing!! the cloud somehow managed to transfer all my contacts. i still don't get it. but i don't think i need to. of course i immediately had to test out the camera and the front camera is amazing. HELLO SELFIES.
got one with the monkey man too
so anyways. all that was great. a little too great i guess. when cal was leaving he kept saying how much he missed having me around and having a wife and after he left i broke down. he spent his whole morning, on his day off, getting me a new phone and lunch. he's literally one of the greatest people i know and i get to spend an hour a day with him. quality time is my love language and i miss my best friend so much. so i cried for a while after they left… then cal started texting me frustrated that he couldn't get done the things he needed to do today because simms wouldn't nap. its the most crippled i can feel up here. seeing the love of my life struggle (simms missed the morning nap because cal was out getting MY phone) and not being able to help in any way. just sitting on my ass, all fucking day. it makes me feel so lazy. so worthless. i could be out working, making money, seeing my family and instead i sit watching the time tick by.. watching horrible movies with queen latifa and steve martin (just shoot me.)
i finally got it together and my mom came up and brought food i could save and heat up for dinner, plus also some cute earrings from anthro! thanks mom!! while she was up here she mentioned that bendel hadn't been himself and that simms threw a toy or something on him the other day and he yelped. i am UBER sensitive about bendel because he has been through soooooooo much. i admit i am extremely overprotective and was most worried about him when i came inpatient. no one would possibly take as good of care of him as me. so i freak out when she says that. like heart racing, feel like i am going to throw up. i get full blown panic attacks over things with him. he's my first born. she explains more and says he's fine. just hasn't seemed as happy but he's still eating well and everything. i try and tell myself he's probably upset because no one has brought him up in several days (we have slight attachment issues) but satan always wants me to think the worst. for the rest of the day i didn't believe mom or cal when they said bendel was fine. it wasn't until the video that cal just sent me that i trust he is fine now. probably just missing me.
i had so much anxiety about everything i went for a long walk outside. cried and cried. finally had to come back up so i would have time to eat the food i no longer had an appetite for. i'm just over it today. I'm sick of being here. its old today. depressing. i miss having an actual relationship with my husband and seeing my kid for more than two hours. i miss being sick of changing diapers. i miss my dog and knowing how he truly is doing. i miss cooking dinner at home and driving my car and going places. I'm sick of asking nurses for everything and not knowing when these babies will be here. I'm just fucking over it today. on my walk i just wanted to leave and flip the hospital off on the way out.
today wasn't pretty. now its time to get on the monitors. praying for more strength tomorrow. i have my growth ultrasound so that should be exciting.
wish i had a beer. or 4.
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